Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Sitting Still, where you are

Man! I struggle with this. The sitting still, just where I am.

I just filled out the census and realised we have 'usually lived' at the same address for well over five years, almost 9 years, in fact. And almost every Thursday, for at least the last five or six years, I have scoured the real estate guide for a bigger and better option.

Before family life and home mortgage ownership I had moved every 12 months, at least, since I was 18. When I was a kid my mum liked to change houses about every 5 years - a new interior design project, or drops in the numbers of children living at home from 7 to 3 to 1, etc.

The luthier and me, we watch 'Escape to the Country' and 'Grand Designs' religiously. We even go to open houses and view properties in town and in the country regularly.

Something in me craves change constantly. It manifests itself in craving change in real estate. And also in the endless cycling through the questions " Should I get a job?", "Should I go back to uni?", " Volunteer?", " Take more on?" and on and on it goes.

Now, there are two things I suspect about this restlessness:
1. The longer I sit in this house, life and mother/wife space that I have and concentrate on it and on the people inside it, the better off we all are. And so the less energy I focus on this elusive, fantastical and probably non-existent 'better offer' of a life, house, job, plan the better our real lives get.

2. This craving of change is just a manifestation of my own sense of inadequacy. The niggling background noise of 'I am not enough'. My life is not enough. Or in the words that the luthier and I often (probably) misquote, as said via the magic that is beat poetry in Dead Poets Society "you gotta do more, you gotta be more!"

The truth is that I am now old and ugly enough to consider that number two is a lie. Me and my life could be enough. I am a mother and wife. It is my passion.

The truth is that I know what I want. I basically want what I have. To allow a sense of inadequacy to undermine my appreciation of it, is to degrade all of us connected with it. Why do I criticise it and so sell short myself and my family? I should be boasting about how bloody great it is and how great they are. I fear I have succumbed to the fashion for self-deprecation, for "I am not good enough", which seems quite the mode de jour for mothers this season.

So perhaps I could aspire to relinquish the restlessness.

To aspire to control my distractable nature and direct my attention to the mostly smiling and sometimes whining faces and hearts of the loves of my life, unmarred by the discomfort of feeling inadequate.

To aspire to sing out loud the love for the life that I have right now.
To sit still in it. Where I am.
It is enough.
In fact, its a beauty.


Kirsty said...

Mrs Smith...I just popped over from mikes because I loved your comment soooo much & now I find another reason to love you!

...just a woman after my own heart...I like you.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely get this.


Anonymous said...

Georgia, this is truly beautiful!! Thank-you for sharing.


Ames and Tash said...

Balance. Between what you have and what you want. You don't have to let go of the impossible dream to believe that where you are will always be enough. Beautiful post :)

flowerpress said...

Yes, thanks from me too :-)

Donyale said...

I don't think you should relinquish anything.

I think the restlessness within some drives you to new adventures and ways of seeing life.

I think its really important to realize that.

Anonymous said...

"To sit still in it"- what a beautiful quote. Well said.

Kylie said...

This is so wonderful. Yes, you've made me cry in recognition. It's very true and something I need to keep in mind too. Great post Mrs Smith :) Kx

mrs smith said...

Thanks all. Thanks so much for visiting my blog and taking the time to comment. . So great to know that there are others out there like me.
Donyale, Thanks for your comment. I think I am beginning to realise there is a difference between restlessness for its own sake and a drive towards what Ames and Tash called 'the impossible dream'. It's not about letting go of dreams, desire and ambition, I guess its more about not letting my feelings of inadequacy undermine my appreciation for what I truly want, what I have and where I am. I fear restlessness has not driven me on but caught me in a psychological mouse wheel. I hope to be spurred on but without the distractions of things that don't actually matter to me - like bloody real estate.

Black Eyed Susie said...

Wish I'd read this before I saw you. I think my restlessness manifests as never feeling like I'm doing enough for the business. Silly, but true. Feeling inadequate is such a hard thing to overcome. One of the reasons I love (yes, I do!) Sam is that he seems not to have this. It has helped me so much to be with someone like that. I'm guessing Phil is similar.

Just for the record, you're on my list of "cool people" I used to feel too shy/scared/inadequate to talk to. I think you're brill and that you do amazing things with your life.

Black Eyed Susie said...

That was a bit garbled but I do know what I mean!

Isis said...

gosh you tell it well! don't know what to say. but you got it baby :)

Pip said...

... ah. I love that you said that. Go you. I super-loved reading this. Have you read 'The Happiness Project'? Part of it is about wanting to feel LEGITIMATE all the time, and thinking you are not ENOUGH. And of course YOU ARE legit and YOU ARE enough. I think you would like it. Yep.

Loz and Dinny said...

Here's to the small things xxx

Susan said...


Suse said...

Beautifully articulated. And I like what Donyale said too about acknowledging and embracing the restlessness at the same time.

ally said...

Beautiful, thoughtful post
Its a very grown up thing to know and understand yourself - bravo!

Anonymous said...

My mother has always said that a change is as good as a rest. I have to say it always cracks me up since she hasn't so much as moved a painting in over 40 years!!!!

I agree with you about being content with what I have and not always looking for the elusive better out there. Being my own best friend is the best thing I can do not only for me but for my loved ones. Following my passions and allowing myself to sit in the stillness of what is help me to be good to me.

mrs smith said...

Right on!

Tracy said...

You have polished up the thoughts that rattle around inside my head each and every day and expressed them far more beautifully than I ever could.

I found you via Kootoyoo and it has been a pleasure to visit.

Anonymous said...

Women can have everything, just not all at once.

cheryl @ nefotlak. said...

i really needed to read this today.
found you through kootoyou.
very happy for the find.